shellibean

Morning Lovely Buddies,  

I am the kind of person who only REALLY lives inside my own head  - Do you know what I mean?  Maybe 10% is out there  - the rest is inside.  My internal world is rich, creative and satisfying and I have a big imagination!  Healthy/unhealthy?  - not sure  - it’s just how I am. 

I have recently undergone some quite astonishing (to me anyway) changes.  I recently  discovered that when it came to how I perceived myself much of what I imagined/thought was negative.  I would tell myself I was “just being honest” while running myself down - but that type of low grade mental negativity builds up over time, like water dripping on a stone.  Example  - it was routine and easy for me to tell myself incessantly in every situation how much better, slimmer, more toned, kinder, more intelligent, younger looking for age, more confident, wiser, happier other people were than me, and I would constantly compare myself to anyone and everyone I would meet or interact with.  I would tell myself that I was making general observations but I wasn’t really - I was nurturing this awful negativity and reinforcing negative feelings about myself.  Over time this thinking became an almost tangible obstacle, slap bang in the middle of all my thinking - affecting me in almost every way.  A stalagmite of “negativity” to be negotiated all the time, in my path, in my way.  

It became second nature to immediately focus on the negative or difficult aspects of almost any given situation.  I wasn’t doing this intentionally or even consciously  - I couldn’t stop  - my thinking was clouded and severely impaired by negativity.  I was prevented from acting spontaneously in many situations and so was actually disabled by it.

In short - the way I was talking to myself every day was not assisting me in my life  - I was my own worst enemy.   If anyone else had spoken to me the way I was speaking to myself they would have been looking for their teeth! 

Earlier this year I decided that it was time to lose some weight  - I was getting heavier year on year and enough’s enough  - I want to look great for myself and (as Nancy would say) Sexy for my Honey!   My negativity had the upside of spurring me to some type of action at least. 

I began in the usual  way by making a plan  - I would count calories,  1400 per day, low fat, plenty of water and exercise.  I would “be good” and finally crack this thing.  I told myself I was REALLY GOING TO DO IT “THIS TIME”.  In Fact there was no longer any such thing as THIS TIME because saying THIS TIME gives you an excuse to fail - There’s always a NEXT TIME after all. No excuses for me.

I Joined BS and met some wonderful people online and made a show of a good positive start.  At the time I thought (again) that I was being honest  - but the whole thing was merely the wrapping on the underlying echo that I had programmed into my own mind  - which was “you=not good enough  - this isn’t for you, just watch, here you go again. How many diets is this now? - you won’t do this, you’ll lose a few lbs then lose interest, yada yada yada”.

Then I allowed the surface feelings to echo the underlying negativity  - when feeling negative about my chosen eating plan I had a forum of slimmers to resource  - I could say  ”this is really hard.  Everyone finds it difficult though, so I am not alone feeling this way”  - and so reinforce the negative. “Being on a diet isn’t supposed to be fun, it’s hard to lose weight, thats why so many of us struggle ” - reinforcing that negative again. “I cant resist crisps/olives/breadsticks/desserts/cheese.  They must be my weakness/trigger” - more  negative.  And I would do this KNOWING that it was just surface  excuses.  I could put surface excuses on everything ” I dont really have time to go for a run now because I need to unload the laundry/do the dishes/ clean the bathroom”  -  HEADS UP!  I WAS BEING A TOTAL FRAUD  -  I wasn’t really subject to any of those pressures (as some people genuinely are)    - but so much easier to pretend to be like that then to have to really deal with the main problem.

But I couldn’t go on like that indefinitely because the germ of an idea was dawning that nothing could truly change for the better without ME sorting out this negative mindset.  I could see that this obstacle had to go because otherwise all the energy I was throwing at my plans was pointless.

So there was some determination to make changes but I had no idea how to go about it!   I was in limbo for about 4 weeks.  Then the universe helped me out (isn’t it weird how you get what you need, not always what you want, but what you actually need - some (not me, but some) would call it Grace) and I was directed through an old schoolfriend to a new weight loss programme that deals with the head first and lets the body change naturally as a result of the changes you make in your mind.

Guess what? - It totally worked   - I am not going to rave on about it because I’m not on commission - BUT I truly feel changed.   The negative is gone (I have looked and looked in case it’s a trick  - but no, s’gone).  The net result of this is that I am now relaxed around food, I have not had a mad impulse to eat everything in sight for weeks, the cycle of be good, binge /hate self has stopped. I do not feel “starving” all day because I am on a “diet” - I feel positive, energised and when I talk to myself I hear no little nasty voice in the background.  I am also not obsessing about what i can eat next every minute of the day.  And I am not eating for emotional reasons  - I just dont need to.

It turns out that I am actually an incredibly capable woman who can control her own mind (who knew?)

I hope you all find your positive spark and ignite it 

Love Lots

Shelli X